avralivia

Once upon a time in a land far far away (well err Devon) a young girl came into being….

That was me, 34 years ago… such a long time I guess.  So many things have happened so many journeys have been taken.

Once I was the smartest girl at school, I did all my homework, I read all the junior books and all the senior ones before I was 9… So many books so little time.  Her thirst for knowledge was insatiable, as was her thirst for escape.  In books you time travel, journey afar, meet people you would never meet, slay dragons, climb mountains, build dreams.

Years later  the girl was taken away from her grandmother who she loved like no-one else, she was tortured and knocked down by life, and she changed, she stopped doing her homework, she lost the will to do anything, she still read, but they were empty words, empty books with no meaning, she became more and more withdrawn, and she started to seek ways to make her feel better, she started to lie all the time, and to steal from shops, they gave her a buzz a control she had lost.  And when she could she started going to the cinema, every week she went, watching movie after movie, all kinds of films, anything she could get in to see… to escape for a moment in time, to live the life of the people in front of her, as she sat there in those darkened theatres she became the people she saw, felt them, left the cinema with something different in her darkened heart for a while….

Shoot to three years later, the girl is sat at home she has no friends at school, they all think she is stupid because she hasn’t bothered to tell anyone any different in a long time… she feels panic rise in her stomach, a red mist rises  behind her eyes she knows she has to fight it, this stupid life of hers, she has to get back the control she had… she gets dressed up in the clothes she stole all black, puts on her makeup, brushes out her long dark hair, and she almost faints…. She tries not to be sick, the room spins, then she does it, she goes out, she goes to the place she knows all the teenagers go,… she starts to socialise, for months it made her sick to the stomach to do it…. But…

2 years later she is in the café up from the school with her friends, she’s skipped out of school to play gin rummy, drink tea, and smoke rollups, we are laughing, they’re all mad my friends all older than me, all different, we all get on.. Because we do.. There’s no real commonality apart from the fact that none of us fit… were outsiders, so we stick together.  At weekends I have a part time job, that pays for my food, and drink and drugs, yes I know the devils work….  My mother is so mental by this point I rarely go home, I stay nights at a friends house, she had a child when she was 15, most people think she’s stupid and must be a crap mother… stereotypes eh?  I have never in my life then or since met a better more loving mother in my life.  I now do ok at school, they know im intelligent, but it pisses them off I don’t try harder, I just muddle through on what I can remember from lessons and books, quite well though lol.

I have a boyfriend, but I don’t understand what its about… I go through the motions, then I dump him, and date his friend, then I dump him and date his best friend, none of them get to bed me though I gave my virginity to a friend of a friend one dark night, we rolled about on the floor of his parents house living room floor, after I thought, well that’s out the way, nasty virginity lol. Oh and it was crap, but at least id given it to someone it didn’t matter with right?  Because I always had to be insular let no-one get me, no-one understand me… the walls I made were vulnerable but I didn’t let anyone know that did I?

One day my mum pissed me off more than normal we fought, and she told me to leave so I did… I didn’t talk to her for the next three years, seems she thought I would come begging the next day? She didn’t know me atall huh? Lol, I went to college to study art… did I mention my art? Oops, well every day since I was able to pick up a crayon it had been my passion my love, I had talent and I wanted to explore it, take it to new realms blah blah… course I was still getting wasted every day so I could bear living with being me.

I got through college, met some interesting people… moved on

Found myself at university…. Ohh THAT’S a long story Ill save that till another day